angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
