So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
