i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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