sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
