I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
