made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
