My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
