So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
