Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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