This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
