I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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