I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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