based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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