I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
