mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
