plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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