The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
