you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
