I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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