Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
