i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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