I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
