WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
