break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
