In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
