Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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