Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
