I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
