drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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