I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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