Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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