He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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