Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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