I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
