Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever