I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
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You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
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How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.