Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm like, not good at living.
He did a backflip because drugs
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
