i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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