I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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