First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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