so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
