i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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