I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
