he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
