you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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