I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
