i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize