Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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