I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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