so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
