I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
