R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
