One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
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Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
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I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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