So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
