where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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