well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
